(no subject)

I thought I was better with change but I'm back to the tug of war. I seem so brave, taking steps forward, new challenges, and learning new things. But I can't ever fully manage it, looking back and wondering and faking that I don't care so I can take those steps forward again. So here I am blogging, hoping this will lead to some answer as there is no one who really understands my feelings or predicament.

I've been with amazon for a year. I've maintained gold since January and been getting 40 or more hours. I've gained a lot of friends and am recognized for my speed and problem solving, being that employee who goes beyond. All five stores "know" me, even different shifts. I've always found ways to get beyond new hires, them playing with hours, etc...

That doesn't mean that hasn't come with consequences though. I've distanced myself from Belmar, made myself look scarce. I'm not the only one though. Many other shoppers have done it. Many will continue to do so. I had to do so. I need to stay motivated by this tedious job, force myself to meet others, find some joys elsewhere, and most of all continue getting the hours I need to pay my bills. This leaves some of my friends alone so I've put some more effort into getting there.

I even became a problem solver and my first shift is tomorrow, which I'm nervous about. I shouldn't be. Nothing has really changed duty wise and I was doing it regardless of the special shift or title. I was already being one of the more responsible solvers but I didn't so earlier because it'll challenge my friend denise's option to get hours. She has a full time job and is rarely there though and hates the hour change. So I could get Monday there again, after learning it doesn't matter where I am on Monday. It'll just be a Monday.

But whether they're there as well, is also questionable. I'm not trying to make the old days come back. I know things have changed. A lot. Yet a part of me wants to recreate it and see if it can be again. That's the old me, looking back while the "forward" part of me knows it wont and never will be. That I'm searching for something dead and gone and will never be again.

Like how I truly have no weekends anymore. Not now that I work Saturdays, which I hate but I've adapted and it's normal and expected now. I don't want to lose my friends though and I only really see them at work. We all got lots going on and other responsibilities, friends, family, etc... I've made hints of outside stuff but it never leads to anything.

Which just makes me look at my life and make me think I need to move on, to another job and all. That my place and time has ended somehow. yet, that's a complete challenge of its own. I haven't even considered metro caring and maybe leaving that behind to volunteer elsewhere. Also, I keep getting the message through signs that this is what I need, where I need to be, leaving some conclusion that this all will lead to something. Whatever that is. And I listen, quenching my inner desire for more on faith and trust, waiting patiently for whenever it'll show up even while doubting that it ever will.

The whole "meant to be" argument

Every time something went bad in my life, I got told by everyone around me "it wasn't meant to be. God has a plan and you have to trust in that." It eventually evolved into "it wasn't meant to be" but has stayed to this day. It eventually became my positive method to get over failure and move forward. I'd analyze the situation, learn what not to do, and do better next time.

Yet, I question this strongly. I mean, I've seen others around me succeed and it's not necessarily because they had faith. They worked for it. I mean, that's not to say I haven't worked for what I do have or tried to better myself and relied on this saying solely.

I want to work for oil and gas and I've tried everything to get into it, a better job and ended up flat, relying on survival jobs. I wouldn't mind my current job as a supplemental income but fighting against 50 other people to get a 4 hour shift so I can pay my rent is ridiculous. Yet, I stick around because the flexible schedule. You wouldn't believe the health issues my family has had this last half year and there's more coming. I'm the healthy, reliable member who goes out of her way to be there no matter what.

So I postponed my job search. My friends even backed me up on this by saying maybe this is where I need to be right now. Reinforcing the whole "meant to be" argument. I want to have hope that this won't be my future but sitting here and waiting for it isn't much of an option either. Yet, I look back and see that's how my life has transitioned. Something came out of something unexpected. And I'm all back to faith. And there's no one to tell me it's all going to be okay. Just criticizing me and everything I do. And I can't make myself believe it.

(no subject)

Ever have that day where you have a lot to do but all you can do is sit there and think about it? Where the entire world is harking at you to fix your problems, be productive, yet all you feel is apathy and want to sit there, do anything but care. Because anything you do will only create more problems and issues, wondering when the world will give you a break? Yeah, I'm there today.

It makes me wish I said nothing about moving, that I was alone. So I could give myself permission to take that day off. At least then my family would stop barking about choices, why I'm not more proactive, etc...Sure, you could try a small thing just to please then but then it'll become bigger and they'll want more... what are you gonna do then? Where collecting your thoughts, reflecting on your actions, and just sensing your problems isn't good enough.

It started with trying to reactivate my job search because work is just work again. No challenge or motivation there. Yet, that led to two applications followed by silence. I tried apartments yesterday and got nothing but criticism and disappointment. I went to metro caring thinking I'd get a rise, a sense of accomplishment, mood changer, something and ended up just as empty. So much for psychology and its stand that volunteering does that. Well, the endlessly nagging ladies didn't help but I'm strong enough to brush away strangers' actions like that. I got some praise but then entered to find a huge group blocking anything and all I could do and others just jumped in because I couldn't doing anything, removing my purpose there at all. I don't want to say I'll give up but yet again I got that feeling that it was time to move on but to what? And really, do I want to make another change. Add it to the endless list of things to ponder?

Not really. I honestly just don't want to care and more than anything, want others to accept that and leave me alone.


Although this feeling is hardly new, it is overwhelming. Nothing, not even cartoons or food taste good. I'm just depressed, objectively looking at things that are out of control. Everything I learned from psychology is being thought but self-pity and in-action will not easily budge. So I'm just gonna let it be and allow a new day break me out of it.

I mean, with the new year, all that talk of changes for 2019, resolutions, make 2018 the past... send a message. Self-reflection, however, isn't pretty. Especially when you are your own worst critic. I mean, it started with my lamentation over my roommate. She isn't bad but makes some really questionable "safety" decisions. She isn't good with locking doors, had the oven on for 8 hours when no one was here, and put a huge microwave in a small hallway I'd have tripped over if I hadn't turned on a light. My mom doesn't understand. She says, just talk to her. I rarely see her and yet when I do, she's tired and doesn't want to listen. I text, she ignores it and never replies. I give up. I want to be a good roommate, pay the bills but she can't even remember to place the bills in the kitchen for me to do so. So, I'm just not gonna try. She can give the bills whenever she wants my share, and if that is 3 months from now, that's on her. Not me.

I mean, the larger part of it is that I want to live alone but I can't. So it leads me back to my job, where I only work part-time and have to compete to get shifts from so many others. So I make myself overly available, so I can pay my bills and not touch my savings. Get stuck, again, in the survival mode. So I never have time or energy to even try applying for jobs. Heck, this is the first time I've been on a computer in 2 weeks? And by not doing that, I will never live alone. Never cease the stress of the competition. And the cycle will just continue.

Then I have to fit that in with my parents' needs. I worked with them so I could give them today. We could have really gone far with x-mas packing but my mom pushes my dad, says the wrong thing, he gets frustrated, and that's it. All my commitment and willingness is invisible. I see "limited", so I work to fulfill their needs, so it'll be done, accomplished, gone. My mom gives in, doesn't fight it, and I'm left as the scrap, who has to work with their schedules, yet again, changing mine and my priorities, so we can really "finish."

Of course, something new pops up because that's life, but still, before that happens, why can't we just finish this one thing to prepare for it? Yet, this is what they've done for 30 years in the marriage and it's never gonna change. I know they're older and can't do as much anymore but still, a little more could have been done. I'm giving MY TIME, working with tight responsibilities, so that TIME could be available and its taken for granted. So I repeat it and it only reinforces that cycle. My mom makes comments as to what I'm doing to change my job and life and asks why it's so hard to do so. So I suggest she look in the mirror because she's half the problem. Because I will never say no to helping her out. Because it's my parents, they're older, and any project is just too tough alone. It's what I was taught.

Day 4 of Calgary

Today was an unexpectedly full day. I thought I left late but my timing worked out nicely. My meeting with Bob went good. I mean, I didn't know what to expect but he steered things in a way that was helpful. While oil and gas isn't doing well here, so no direct job leads, he helped me as I explained my unemployment. He agreed with others that me losing my job was a blessing and that I need to continue pushing my comfort limits as I figure out what I want to do. To make a list of everything I hated and burn it so I wouldn't get back to it and consider technology. It's doing well in Denver. Not to let my brain control me, like applying for jobs outside my qualifications. Not sure where any of this will lead but he has some solid ideas I should follow.

He showed me the easy way calgarians go thru the special +15 route thru the office buildings, which unexpectedly got me to the CORE shopping center I wanted to go. I mean even if I wasn't watching my spending, this place was expensive and top class. However, it was interesting to see how the big high end stores didn't have doors. You just kind of walked into them, naturally. Indigo sight must be the bookstore and it carried authors and other stuff just like any other bookstore in Denver. Except it had a cleaner and more organized appearance that Barnes and noble would never pull off. The best part was the top floor. Half of it was made into a full green garden with fountains. Plenty of benches, tables, and chairs allowed you to eat lunch in a quiet, lush environment. The sides even had little walkways to do so. It was funny. I wondered if tossing coins was allowed, even as a sign saying not to floated by.

What I didn't like was the escalators. I don't like escalators. Stairs would have been just fine. So I cheated and took the elevator and I was at the second shopping area I wanted to go. Lots of restaurants but there was a tourist shop where I found shot glasses and a tea shop. I don't drink tea but it had a good selection, at reasonable prices. I could have gotten different types and paid more money but I got the cheapest option, with a flavor my dad is bound to like. Sent out postcard for mom. All done with shopping. It was a decent shopping mall.

Walked into Olympic plaza and learned women got defined as a person in 1929 under 5 women's push. I'm sure it's more complicated with right to vote, maternity leave, etc but it was a start for Alberta. There was another huge fountain with a Canadian leaf. The library was nothing special, even for a central one. Nonetheless, I know where to catch the bus to the airport. I started getting tired but came by the Calgary tower. It is tall and took a picture but decided not to climb it. It wasn't worth 18.00 dollars when my fear of heights would follow. At least I can say I was there though.

Decided to do some parks and bridges tomorrow, see prince island park and the bow river. It's more north so I'll see a bit more of Calgary central.not the most exciting thing but it's the affordable thing and I'm being more of a tourist. Take what you can get.

Day 2 in Calgary.

Today, I went to the university of Calgary. Now, to most tourists, that idea would be questioned. However, as I am and have been hovering between future decisions, it makes sense. I mean, even before I got laid off, my future was written on the walls. Yes, there was job searching but another option of school. I make a great researcher and more education would help that. My drive and motivation wasn't there though. I asked myself whether I wanted to increase my debt when inside the idea didn't show much enthusiasm. The website didn't do much but maybe in person, at the college itself, there'd be some.

I can now say that I won't go that route. I mean, maybe later in the future, it's an option but there no reason, no push for school now. I feel I have to be a working adult. A part of me is disappointed because it's a convenient way to hide from job searching, financial worries. I loved the ignorance that came not thinking or knowing those feelings. Mostly though, I'm glad as I know I'd never succeed if I did so. Granted, if it was the college I really wanted to go to I might feel differently but as much as I believe Calgary is a place I could live, the job and company that will make it happen is more important than the location.

I know, I'm probably the worst tourist out there. I came all this way just to do one small errand per day and come back and relax but I don't have the money to spend and future worries are heavy. Then again, maybe Calgary isn't the best place for a vacation on "what to do".

Day 2 in Calgary

Today, I went to the zoo. It really was an amazing place. It was bigger than the Denver zoo and I really liked how they built it around the trees, river, and landscape. It is composed of 5 parks. There was a prehistoric park with statues of dinosaurs built around an artificial mountain range and river. There was few people so it was nice to walk around, alone. The pouring rain and slight wind made it a wet, cold climate to be in. Canadian wilderness had much of the animals we have at home but the treks were further and the animals, were slumbering and being lazy. It was a winding path for sure but the bird aerial cage was disappointing. No birds wanted to be out, much less the owl.

The African exhibit was fun. Giraffes, gorillas, hippos, lemurs. At this point the sun was tipping out. It was quite small compared to the others, the animals closer together. They had to keep them warm and wet after all. Next was the conservatory and butterfly area. So much different fauna, but hot. In hindsight, I should have went through the African and here while it was raining. Again, small. Then there was a bunch of gardens. It was nice but my sister the florist would have liked it more.

It led to the pandas, which while amazing, were simple creatures. They were the first pandas born in captivity in Canada. The adult slept, hands up while the Cubs were in the other, getting adored by huge groups. For them being 3, I expected more but the truth is, they just eat a lot of bamboo and walk around. I guess they can "mark their territory" but I'm guessing that's the adults job. Eurasia continued with tigers, the red panda, and macabre. It was good but after 6 hours, I was tired. I was glad I started the day with the Penguins, because not only was timing right with feeding, seeing 4 kinds, especially the king, was the best part.

It was heavy on money but half my souvenirs are done and those funds will return to important conservation efforts. Zoos really do give back in its own way. The exercise was good too but that last 15 minute walk through everything I saw already was tough. Been there, done that kind of mood you know.

Day 1 in Calgary

I don't know if this can really be called day 1 considering I just arrived late afternoon but I'm going with it. I mean, overall, it was a good flight. I had much time beforehand I just walked around for an hour. We boarded, again easy and up, settled in but the descent, as always, was horrible. Just too much altitude change in a short time but the long wait to get off settled me. Customs was mostly fine until they started asking questions. The minute I said it was personal, it started going sour. Then he asked about my employment and I had to admit I was unemployed. It didn't help I admitted I might want to live here in the future but I had to meet another officer and convince him I wasn't going to look for work illegally. Apparently lots of people do this. Honestly, I was being honest so something like this wouldn't happen. I fully 100% plan to return to Denver and move here the legal way, months from now, maybe years. So I didn't feel all that welcome yet.

The bus kind of worked. I spent too much money on 90 minutes but the machine was hard to use and I didn't want to wait another 30 mins. He successfully guided me to the c-train and after consulting the display, it was easy. Finding the house was hard but dragging a flimsy suitcase after me wasn't that great either. Now I know where it is, I'll be fine. Get lost once and I learn. The room is nice, basic really. It's been a while since I have had to share a bathroom but I'll get over it. The host is really nice and even invited me to dinner. It was good to eat and easy conversation to get over my nerves. I still don't know if this was a good idea but I paid the money and I'm not wasting it. I knew I was taking a risk but the fear and insecurity was more than I expected. I was seconds from a panic attack. Maybe the whole idea that you travel with someone is solid advice after all. I just don't know anyone who would do this so it was natural to go alone.

Tomorrow will tell if this was a good idea. Hopefully a little more familiarity will help me get over this fear to leave the house. Maybe this will honestly be a good idea but right now, all I want to do is be home, in Denver, in what I know so much it's natural. I just feel so scared and alone.

(no subject)

Sometimes I truly think I'm crazy. Not only do I have two too many projects going on as it is, I'll have another started in another 1-2 months. Thus, even though I'm exhausted and tired of making store runs, I am trying to "end" one of them. Of course, it's never that easy. I always think "just one more step/email...." And it never is. This time I met that purchasing goal, stored them, declared that phrase of the project over, and all I have to do is deliver it. The final "phrase" as it were. Well, that'd be true if my contact at the non-profit didn't leave! Now, I have to re-explain what I was doing to someone else and work on making contact with them. Whoever it is that responds back.

Then, if I wasn't crazy enough, I went and decided to apply to that fellowship again. I mean, I said I would last year but it wasn't important. Then March hit and I didn't get much done, and mid april hit and I realized I really needed to work on that. So within 2 weeks I went all crazy, immersed myself in articles, pick important parts and made a rough draft. Only to find out it was like 2 pages and 1500 characters overboard. So after an intense editing, it got done. Then realized before I could contact anyone, I needed the motivational essay done, which took a lot of editing again. My C.V. didn't change much but there were some serious formatting issues.

Finally, I contacted my maybe host a month later. That looks promising at least but I did that with the expected results, impact, and timeline incomplete. In fact, it hadn't even been started. The last couple days I've worked on the timeline so that is at least on the "draft" phase. Can't really edit it for a couple days though as it's a good idea to take a few days off and "changes your eyes." I've also got two recommendation ppl but putting that email together requires energy and time to just sit there and do it. Which is not easily found.

In the end, just like before, I'm wondering why I'm pushing myself like this. Is this really worth it? I mean, I suppose I'm better time-wise than I give myself credit for. I mean, I was hustling to do this in July-August last year so I've started earlier but there's still so much to do and all I want to do is be like others at my apartment, just hanging out at the pool, doing nothing.

Meanwhile my mom and everyone is hissing about my job search. I simply cannot handle family affairs, my job, and these two projects, and a job search. I can't do it so it's on hold. Which means working on all these parts so I can at least give some focus to that, within the next coming weeks. Granted this is all my decision but I wish someone would see all of the stuff going on in my life and understand why my job search isn't important right now. Trying to fulfill all the expectations my family, job, and commitments need just takes so much out of me that these 2 projects are already getting it's small remains.

No Win Situation

I've only been back to work for over a week and yet I'm still wondering when that next vacation is. I Don't need to tell anyone reading this that's bad. That's how I feel though.

This week became a challenge with me getting food poisoning on Monday but I'm very much a soldier. It was pretty moderate and I just went home and rested but there's still that fatigue and muscle pain you don't enjoy. Just a temporary thing but when you work manual labor and are on your feet all day, it's a significant one. So what could really make things worse?

I got my yearly job performance review. 2017 created some massive responsibility additions so while I was given 7 duties, it somehow increased to 12. Yeah. Sure, you can sit here and be like "but isn't that good? It means your progressing in your job and are earning others respect." And I could see that. That's what admin jobs I look at it say too, they want to see progressing responsibilities. The problem? How I got those responsibilities.

I won't give you the details but our supporting program that gave us workers can't find good workers (yeah, those background checks...try not to break the law and if you can do so, remedy the situation, don't ignore it) and minimum wage has made them difficult to pay for many of them. Anyway, that means getting volunteers instead of other help and on any given day I cannot guarantee that someone will be there. So yeah, that's the source.

Anyway, suddenly I got 2x more feedback than I ever expected. I still haven't sat there and thought about how I can work on items because I've been overwhelmed and just want to rest for the next day. Well, a couple are easily changeable and two will never change. I have a speech impediment since the day I was born and no I don't get paid enough to go to a speech therapist unless they're paying for it. Also, my handwriting isn't good but who told you to go back to the 1980's when you write every donation down on paper? These days people use computers and excel sheets. Yes, I can be a little more patient and ask "how are you."

Some of them though I'm stuck. I got feedback from 2 bosses. So who's is more right? I'll think more about this when I have a clear head. What really annoyed me was that some volunteer accused me of constantly accusing her of stealing for the past two weeks. It's pretty common actually so the rule is if my boss has their okay, I apologize and never do it again. That happened once and I followed that rule to this day. So she called my boss to tell her I told her I accused her of stealing milk. I didn't even know she took milk so how could I have accused her of stealing it? I saw her box and even encouraged her to take some produce.

So on my bus ride my head naturally bounced on my "how could I not make this happen again?" Which usually works but I don't think anything I could do could do this. Sure, I could have taken yesterday off but then she claimed I've done it for a week and a half. So that wouldn't work. I could have not corrected her but if I did that, my bosses would have a problem with me not enforcing rules. Wouldn't work either. As my bosses said, I need to be polite, friendly, and respectable as not to leave a bad note. Wait, I was all of those things. Didn't work anyway. So I can't help think I didn't do anything wrong.

Honestly, I thought something was off with her but you know, you have to give people a chance. I mean, lying isn't uncommon to her. Back when I met her and she was temporarily to be unemployed she said she was married and she didn't have as heavy monetary concerns. Now she's single, lives in a huge house, and doesn't know where she's getting her food. She may have kids but her son supposedly died in a mountain climbing accident. Yet her aunt is a Judge, her cousin a surgeon, etc and she has all these great connections.

I know, I know. This is all hearsay and I might be lying but I'm pretty blunt. I have enough social awareness to know when NOT to be but this is one medium where it's okay. I'm accused of something I didn't do and here's my justification. So if anyone reading this knows how to fix this or even can support me in my conclusion, let me know so I can just push it away because I have little self-confidence.